How Do I Stop Hating Myself?

Advice from a Formerly Suicidal Person

I got a message asking how to heal from chronic self-hate from a middle-aged male follower on Twitter.

“That’s quite the complex question and problem” I told him.

I was suicidally depressed for half my life. I’m not anymore, and I don’t hate myself like I used to. I’m writing a memoir based in healing from self-hate, so I wagered my bets on articulating an answer to such a common yet difficult human struggle.

Self Hate = Shame

Self hate stems from shame. We can’t go from self hate to self love. Trying to will be met with resistance from the inner critic; it sounds like lies. So, we must go from self hate to self neutrality. Radical acceptance of Being and What Is without attaching moral judgements.

We have both earned shame and unearned shame.

Earned shame comes from times we failed where we know we could have made a wiser choice but didn’t.

Unearned shame comes from unwarranted criticism or abuse.

For instance, I earned shame by being weak and having a situationship when I knew it was wrong. I have unearned shame from verbal abuse as a kid that wired my brain to hate itself. Earned shame is a valid critique, unearned shame is a lie or illusion.

For all shame, we must shift our perception to include self-forgiveness. We can only forgive when we know we are being truthful and acting properly.

If we “forgive” ourselves without changing our behavior then we create existential anxiety, guilt, and more shame because we know we aren’t taking responsibility. We must take responsibility otherwise we feel unsafe.

“Insecurity” is existential anxiety.

Competency—The Opposite of Shame

The opposite of shame is competency. We feel shame because we feel “not good enough.” When we feel competent we feel “good enough.” So the answer is not self-love, but self-respect. We build self-respect through competency in life.

If we appraise every area of life where we feel ashamed, we’ll find where we lack skills, resources, and discipline. These are life areas where responsibility has been avoided—this is where we can build competency and earn self-respect.

For example, my biggest shame area is around romance. My depressed thought process:

“I’ve had only unrequited loves. I’m not wanted as a woman, mate, mother, I’m not worthy of family or closeness, I’ll be alone forever, life is worthless. I am worthless.”

I’ve had only unrequited loves because of complex trauma, but essentially, I’m incompetent.

The Buddhists call it being “skilled” or “unskilled.” Shame signals where we must become competent through skillful practice to earn safety (self-respect.)

Faith That Growth is Possible

God—in any form—can assist if we believe good and evil are real. Knowing this, we can flow with goodness if we discipline ourselves. This creates faith that growth is possible while we become skilled.

Furthermore, self-respect comes from socialization. We should discern who evokes shame, and if that is earned (envious of someone more successful) or unearned (abuse.) We must surround ourselves with people who inspire us to grow and model the skills we want to develop.

Having mutually truthful and close bonds with others regulates our bodies and motivates us. Romance seems like an unlikely fairytale yet I surround myself with people who model success and I remain faithful that I too can become skilled. And that goes for every life domain.

How to stop hating yourself?

• Radical acceptance

• Reprogramming inaccurate thoughts

• Taking responsibility for faults

• Practicing behavioral changes to develop competencies

• Socializing only with truthful, growth-minded people

• Faith that change is very possible!

I hope this is helpful. Please share with anyone who is struggling.