Setting Political Boundaries About Gender

A Personal Exchange With My Mother

I’m a detransitioner endorsing Trump. My family who supported my transition (due to fear of suicide) is horrified.

I am posting this frustrating exchange with my mom to model setting and accepting boundaries for others in similar situations:

My mom is embarrassed of my Trump vote and is being shamed by her sisters, two of whom sent nasty texts to me. She is also concerned about my memoir describing my childhood abuse from my father.

In response, I set boundaries around tolerating harassment from extended family. I pointed out their emotional manipulation of me and the stress caused unfairly to her. I also set boundaries around her reading my memoir, which may be upsetting for her.

Let me add the rude dms from aunts for context:

She claims my aunts have always been supportive by giving me money to have my breasts cut off. This is frustrating because the fact my ignorant but well-intended liberal aunts gave money to my medical mutilation IS THE PROBLEM. There was no emotional support or guidance, only supporting the affirmation model.

I do NOT blame my aunts for this, we were all ignorant. But it reveals the leftover cognitive dissonance my mom feels about facilitating my surgery.

She then goes into political TDS talk.

What this response shows is that my political views and association with anti-trans politics disrupts her self-perception as a tribal liberal. She fears rejection from her tribe and as a mother.

These are understandable human reactions. Yet it is clear this isn’t about me or anything I’ve done wrong. It reveals her insecurity and shame. That she cannot outright admit her guilt for encouraging transition, instead blaming it on me being suicidal, indicates she hasn’t found peace.

As a detransitioner in deep therapy, I’ve accepted my personal failure to protect myself, AND how I was groomed and experienced medical malpractice from the gender industry.

My mom and aunts have not accepted either. They still want to believe left media and ideology is good and couldn’t have lied and hurt me, and other kids.

I wrote a long response, careful to acknowledge her feelings while offering new perspective that she and my aunts may be avoiding confrontation with their guilt.

I didn’t accuse her of being guilty, but I described how many families experienced similar issues with the ideology and have parenting regrets, implying she’s far from alone, and there are system-wide forces at play in the country.

I encouraged her to recognize that my aunts were causing triangulation, and boundaries should be set with them. I also acknowledged previous discussions we’ve had about her mental unavailability to research these topics.

It is somewhat alienating that my family isn’t interested in gender ideology or my work, but I’ve accepted previously that they don’t want or need the stress.

We discussed more personal things that I won’t share, but we resolved the conflict amicably. We agreed to disagree about politics, and that she is proud of my growth and skills, but doesn’t support my politics nor is interested in learning about gender ideology.

We agreed the aunts shouldn’t be rude but we can’t control their behavior, and I will hold boundaries with them individually.

Takeaways: My mom, like many Americans, is in survival mode. She has chronic health issues, and other familial concerns that prevent her energy for seeking or receiving new information.

She wants to preserve our relationship, as do I, but our connection cannot be as close as I’d like because she isn’t available for deeper emotional attunement. This along with father abuse has created attachment injury in my childhood.

As an adult I accept why I’ve struggled relationally, while taking accountability for my healing.

Your parents won’t heal you. Returning to the source of your trauma and expecting redemption is a childlike hope that sadly won’t work.

Thankfully, we can prioritize our well-being by listening to people tell us their limitations and not trying to change them. We have control over our present reactions to act better than in the past, and forge our own futures.

How does this exchange make me feel? Disappointed. It would be nice if my mom was available to discuss emotional and intellectual topics so I felt she understood me in fundamental ways. It is sad that she is in survival mode and I wish she was feeling better in her life. I also feel politically frustrated with her views, as it feels she hasn’t internalized my work.

Overall, sadness and disappointment are part of close relationships. We resolved a conflict that had many pieces and that increases relational confidence and emotion regulation for future interactions.

I hope this model was helpful to others dealing with conflicts.

Disclaimer: I understand some will be offended that I am publicly speaking about childhood abuse and ongoing familial conflict. When I spoke out 5 years ago, I made the choice that my wellbeing and future were more important than preserving familial lies of the past.

While this may have been difficult for some parents to read, this exchange is raw because life is raw. No one chooses to be abused as a child and develop PTSD. While I maintain a (distanced) relationship with my family, my loyalty is to my health and dream of creating my own family. Light is the best disinfectant. If you are offended by my sharing of these messages due to “family loyalty” consider the loyalty we all have to something even greater—love and truth. Abuse is not loving nor truthful.

Child abuse victims who break generational trauma cycles are often judged. You may judge, but know you cling to an illusion of family that does not exist. I hope this resonates with those it needs to.