The Natural Art of Slow Growth

Burning Away the Dead Wood of the Soul

I’m grateful for all the seeds that over the years were growing so slowly that they felt like they weren’t ever there, but that now have bloomed into glorious forests.

I grew slowly because I was in a chaotic and unbalanced environment. Once I recognized this and removed myself, I rapidly started growing.

It was never that I was bad or not meant to thrive.

When you are in hell, you have 2 tasks:

1. To Accept That Parts of You Must Be Destroyed

2. To Endure the Suffering

Perhaps, the metaphor that most sticks with me from Jordan Peterson is the visual of ‘dead wood’ burning off of you to make you stronger.

As in nature, fires periodically burn away the dead wood, leaving a more fertile soil for new, stronger growth. That is the purpose of hellish states, to destroy that which is no longer serving you. As Jordan says, in the process of purification, other, tender parts of you get burned as well. It hurts, it feels unfair, it’s overwhelming. But, when the burning ceases, you know what needed to be destroyed, and why. And, why it needed to be destroyed violently, and painfully.

Vitality, Purification, Regrowth.

It is always the cycle of Life, Death, and Rebirth.

The annoying thing is that the Life Phase is always cut short by the Death Phase. But, once you stumble into the Rebirth Phase, you understand that the Death Phase cut you to the core of what you most needed to live better.

Healing” and “recovery” are both painful and arduous processes. “Restoration” feels more optimistic, future-focused, and wholesome. I’m restoring myself to the peaceful, loving being I once was.

What they don’t tell you is that often, the cocoon is the best place to grow strong, but only under the condition that when you leave the cocoon, you accept responsibility for the new wings you’re breaking in, and practice flying. The true gauge of a productive Life Phase (flying practice) is, -am I having enjoyment -am I conversing with people I like and can learn from -are others being served by my contributions -am I proud of my efforts -am I growing in pursuit of my higher self goals.

Part of why I underachieved in the past was due to recreational drug use lowering my already-poor executive functioning skills. Low self worth, lack of social connections, depression, anxiety, CPTSD, and low motivation go hand in hand. Add chronic self-medicating with drugs, and the most gifted person will squander themselves.

Responsibility is important because it’s a benchmark for how much you’ve mastered. The more responsibility you willingly take on, the more you trust your own competence and wisdom. The fundamental need for human growth is continuously satisfied, because you become increasingly effective as you expand your realms of mastery.

Today I practiced the habit of releasing the inertia of depression through activating momentum. I was struck with depression in my body, started to tear up, have the usual shame thoughts, knew the deal. I felt guilty and ashamed for productivity reasons, so instead of ruminating on my anxieties, I allowed myself to occupy my mind with something I knew I’d enjoy, even if it wasn’t “business.” This coping mechanism is known in therapy as “Opposite Action.”

I got up out of bed, drew a bath, got in, and started organizing my acid jazz songs into playlists (real Funk God stuff.) Within 5-10 minutes I felt better. I then spent 3 hours enjoying my songs in a eucalyptus bath. It did not solve my problems that I was worried about, but, I knew that trying to strategize in an emotional state wouldn’t be effective. Instead of trying to do deep work in a shame state to ‘accomplish more’, I did light, fun work to gather momentum and regulate my body into a calming state.

Shame reduced, at least something accomplished (playlists.) Most critically, it was another round of practicing accountability to taking care of myself, strengthening the neural pathway of success, competence, self-respect. When I am having a trauma response, I remind myself that even though there are chemicals, I am still in control of my body and mind. I can keep myself safe, and make small good decisions that flow me into Regrowth, so that I may enjoy 3 hours of acid jazz playlists, once more in the Life Phase.

Like a 7th grader, I’m growing, and going to complain about it.

But, I am grateful that the garbage I’m dealing with now, is not the same garbage I dealt with in the past. However slow, that is growth, and that is restoration of Life.

i know this process will forever cycle.

i just need to accept,

with grace,

life’s continual helix.