Am I weak for wanting to be close to others? Maybe it’s better to be alone... I shouldn’t need anyone else; I can take care of myself. Attachment is causing my suffering, I better just detach, what’s the point.
“Attachment is the root of all suffering” is a phrase many of us hear, and are told is wise. However, there are actually two definitions of 'attachment' that get confused and misused.
Attachment = Bonding
Attachment = Clinging
Bonding Attachment is a necessary human condition innate from birth evolved to ensure survival. Infants must attachment bond to their caregivers, caregivers must attachment bond to their offspring. If either attachment fails, survival of the infant is reduced or completely eliminated, risking the continuation of the species.
Attachment in development necessitates dependance. There is a natural power imbalance between dependent child and mature adult. In this stage, dependence is healthy, and necessary for a child to successfully model an adult and grow into a self-sufficient individual capable of relationships with others. Parenting is not only the process of maintaining a loving and disciplined relationship with a child, taking care of them, but also the process of gradually guiding the developing human into their own adult functioning.
In adulthood, bonding attachment evolves into the ability to pair-bond with other adults, and eventually continue the cycle of reproduction. However, pair-bonding based in power imbalance or dependance is unhealthy in adult relationships. Adults in a relationship should both be independent in meeting their needs, with reliance on another adult being a choice vs. a necessity as in childhood.
When an adult is not independent in a bonding attachment with another adult, this is called codependency. Instead of one or both partners being incapable of meeting their needs and caring for themselves, healthy adults should instead actively choose to attachment bond with another. When adults who are confident in taking care of themselves mutually make an informed choice to care and be cared for by another person, this relationship is interdependent, and allows for both parties to grow.
While discussing the negative effects of codependent relationships is important, many people who are trying to better understand their relationships get confused and further distressed when presented with the phrase, “attachment is the root of all suffering.” This mantra is actually not referring to bonding attachment, but rather, to a Buddhist concept of Clinging.
Clinging Attachment is rooted in a Buddhist philosophy, where clinging, in the Buddhist context, represents the tension between what one is and what one desires. This tension is based in yearning for a reality that is different than the one a person currently has, emphasizing that wishing is the source of suffering. Naturally, everyone wishes for something they don’t have, this is not inherently wrong, as desiring a better life is what has helped human beings survive and thrive since the dawn of time.
Formulating a goal and working hard to achieve success is not what Buddhists describe as being harmful. Rather, it is the stress of psychologically or emotionally holding onto tension for a desired outcome without the ability to self-calm that philosophers warn against. Desiring an outcome is how humans find success, creating a narrative of expectating success is what leads to disappointment—suffering.
While clinging to an outcome that is obtainable can be detrimental, associating that disappointment with a normal need to have healthy attachments can lead to a misguided shaming effect around bonding with others. Clinging attachment is not the same as bonding attachment. Many people use them synonymously, leaving those who have had negative relationships to feel that their natural desires for love, sex, intimacy, or affection are foolish. Especially if relationships have been hurtful in the past, it is easy to become irrational about one’s need for other people, basing their social behavior on emotional pain instead of informed choices.
The presence of emotional pain and suffering stemming from disappointment from one’s loved ones in either childhood and/or adulthood is a universally difficult condition to recover from. Everyone experiences some disappointment from adults in childhood—parents, extended family, teachers, even celebrities, can hurt people. No human being is perfect, and sometimes harm is caused through mere misunderstanding rather than intentional cruelty.
Similarly, every adult survives pain from friends, colleagues, neighbors, and romantic partners throughout their lives. Friction with others is inherent to human civilization, as much so as it is to bond with each other. Buddhist tradition is wise in acknowledging how this common disappointment manifests. It does not imply that relating to others is pointless, or that intimacy exclusively results in a net loss.
Buddhists also propose a solution for the inevitable pain and potential for prolonged suffering that people endure: Detachment.
Detachment in the Buddhist sense is the autonomous release of tension arising from our reality not meeting our expectations. It is acceptance of what is Now rather than clinging in to the anxiety about What May Have Been. Because emotional and psychological stress is one in the same with physical stress, releasing tension is often achieved through noticing stress responses in the body like an increased heart rate, shallow breathing, headache, or muscle tightness. Allowing the body to relax while observing the tense narrative of the mind is a continuous skill repeated over a lifetime.
Acceptance practice and self-regulation through detachment is not the same as the toxic detachment advice often given when dismissing intimacy, trust, or interdependence with others socially and relationally. Detachment in intimacy is often a negative effect from insecurity and fear of abandonment instead of calming down. Detachment can be an intimacy-avoiding tactic rather than a philosophical practice of non-clinging.
“I don’t need anyone else. Fuck other people, leave me alone.” = Toxic Detachment
“I’m feeling stress about the future, but this moment now is what I have control over.” = Healthy Detachment
In summation, bonding attachment to others is healthy, good, and necessary for both children and adults. Attachment insecurity is not Zen, and we should celebrate our capacity for loving bonds with others, not be ashamed of them.
"O Heart! Until, in this prison of deception,
you can see the difference between This and That,
For an instant detach from this Well of Tyranny; stand outside."
- Rumi